Sharing some very personal and tender moments and I hope that they are taken with respect 🙂
I’ve written about this topic before, but time and time again I am amazed at how insightful, loving, and wise my kids are and how much I need them.
Especially my little Ames. We just celebrated his 4th birthday and I have been reflecting on him and these past four years. I know he came into our lives very distinctly. We needed him during some really tough life.
It started before he was even born and I was barely pregnant with him. I remember feeling so scared. And then guilty because I was scared. I was out on a run thinking about being pregnant and how in the world I was going to be a mother. My Justin Bieber pandora station started playing an instrumental piano song. As I was confused and about to check on it, I remember feeling overwhelmed with love for my microscopic babe. I felt that he was running right beside me and letting me know that everything was going to be okay. That I was ready for this. It is a moment I will never forget.
I remember after he was born and I was in the depths of post-partum depression/anxiety (read about it HERE, HERE and HERE) how much I needed him. He was so super smiley, easy, and loving. I would joke that all my happiness was born into him ha. I would worry that because I was struggling it would affect him negatively.
I remember so clearly one particular instance where I was having a real hard time. Ames was about 4 or 5 months and Nate was out of town. For no particular reason I felt like I had this dark weight on top of me that I couldn’t get off; worse than my usual days going through PPD. I remember being down on the floor with Ames and just crying and praying that I could feel better – that I could just feel like myself. All these anxious, dark feelings were so foreign to me and I HATED them. On top of feeling so down, I remember feeling so guilty that my baby had to see me like that – I felt ashamed that I felt this way even with the happiest baby by my side, a loving husband, and all around great life.
Through my tears I remember telling Ames that I was so sorry that I was like this. After I finished telling him how sorry I was he leaned in and gave me the biggest, open-mouthed kiss ever followed by his huge grin. And I swear it was almost as if he was speaking to me. In that moment I remember feeling overwhelmed by love from him. I instantly knew that he wasn’t being affected in the slightest by my struggles. I knew that he was the happiest baby because I was doing a great job and loving him and raising him. It was one of the most tender moments of my life.
Fast forward a few months and I again found myself in a really hard time. I wasn’t struggling with PPD/PPA anymore (thank goodness), but instead, I was watching my husband fight for his life.
I stayed with Nate in the hospital after his surgery to remove his tumor (read about it HERE) and those hospital days were long and hard. Nate was having a particularly hard day and I felt so depleted and discouraged. And I didn’t even have my husband to confide in which was surprisingly really hard and lonely for me. I remember sitting in his room just staring out the window when all of the sudden I hear the sweetest little voice coming down that hall.
Kids aren’t technically allowed on those floors, but I guess someone knew that a certain little one year old needed to be let into his Dad’s room. He came bursting in the room and ran straight to me. I held him tight and to my surprise, he let me hold him. He laid his little head down on my shoulder and just snuggled with me for a good 15 mins. He was NOT a snuggler; I was lucky to get 1 min of snuggles out of him. As I sat there and held my sweet little boy I remember a few tears rolling down my face as I felt much of discouragement and hard feelings melt away. He definitely knew that I needed his love in that moment. I will never forget it.
Fast forward a few years to the present time. Ames is now a newly turned FOUR year old who is much more conditioned to push my buttons. Sometimes I wonder where my sweet little baby and toddler went.
But just a couple days ago I was reminded how much I still need him and how he is still so aware of me.
I was having one of those days where EVERYTHING was going wrong. Kids were fighting. Corra was getting into EVERYTHING. I had a million of things to do and wasn’t getting anything done. Everything bad, nothing good. We trying to get out the door to meet some friends which I SO needed that day. Of course, it took triple the time to actually get in the car. When we FINALLY got into the car I tried to start it…battery dead. That was my last straw. I was SO frustrated.
I went inside and called Nate. I broke down in tears how bad everything was that day and how I felt like I just couldn’t catch a break lately. As I was crying to Nate, Ames had gotten out of the car and came inside. I didn’t notice that he was there until after I got off the phone with Nate. I turned to him and felt bad that I was a crying mess.
But instead of being scared, or backing away. He came up to me, sat by me, and asked me if I wanted some “cold ice water” because that always makes him feel better. I said that I would love some and he went speeding off to the kitchen and returned with a bowl full of “cold ice water”
In an instant I felt so much better. I couldn’t help but smile at his sweetness and care. And, obviously, that he brought me water in a bowl 🙂
Ames is truly one of my very best friends and sometimes I feel like he knows me better than I know myself.
Now, before I end this post I feel like I need to note how much I LOVE my little Corra May and I could write a similar post about her. But Ames is the birthday boy, and so this post is just about him and his wonderful little self.
Ames made me a mother – It has truly been an honor and privilege these past four years and I am so grateful to have him for eternity.
Love you always, Ames Anthony. I pray that you never lose your care and love for others.
Happy 4th Birthday!
-till next time-