On My Mind

laying out the bad to remember the good.

The month of May has finally arrived!  You see, I’m due May 9th, so I have been looking forward to May for quite sometime.  Mostly because I’m excited to meet this baby girl!  But also for selfish reasons, like I’m reaaaallllly done being pregnant. The last month of pregnancy is hard on me.  Really all of pregnancy is kinda hard on me.  Not in the physical sense, my body actually handles it pretty well.  But the mental sense.  I just don’t like it.  I feel guilty for feeling this way, but it’s the truth.  Don’t get me wrong, I am amazed at what my bod can do, I love the extra bonding time, and I’m SO grateful that I can get pregnant and don’t have complications.

Buuuuuuut, 
at the same time, 
pregnancy is hard for me.  Probably because I’m real impatient and 9+ months drags on for me. And probably because it limits me physically and I really like to be active. And probably because I get the awesome “pregnancy mask” which makes me feel old and ugly. And probably because I never feel like I have anything to wear. And probably because I don’t like going to the doctor so all the visits are not fun. And probably because my belly never gets big enough and the docs get scared and make me do extra ultrasounds and non-stress tests which makes for more doctor appointments (btw, all the ultrasounds and tests come back looking great…you think they would just be okay with my small belly, but they like to be “thorough”. which I guess is good, but, you know, lots of appointments which I don’t like).
I do really feel bad for not liking pregnancy.  I know compared to lots of people I have it easy.  But it’s just not my thing really.  
Speaking of things that aren’t really my thing…
newborns.
As you can read HERE I didn’t have the easiest go when Ames was a tiny babe.  So as much as I tell myself and think positively that this time around will be easier/better, I’m still kinda real nervous.  Not really about taking care of my baby girl.  But just about the postpartum depression and all that crap.  In some ways, going through that was harder for me than Nate having cancer.  I just felt so…everything sad/anxious. I’m really hoping/thinking/praying that it will be much better this time.  I know a lot of things that I’m going to do differently which I know will help.  But I’m nervous all the same.  
I’m also nervous/sad about having our family grow.  Like, how will I love another babe as much as I love Ames?! We are in such a good groove as our lil family of 3. I know that once this little girl joins us we won’t be able to imagine life without her. And I know Ames will love having a sibling (well, eventually love it haha). So I’m not way nervous about it all.  But in some ways it’s just a little sad.  
And while I’m venting about everything, let me lastly vent about my hair.
As mentioned above, I just don’t feel great about myself when I’m pregnant.  So I decided to get my haircut after not cutting it for over a year.  I wanted something different thinking it might make me feel better.  So I chopped it…. And now I really don’t like it and feel even uglier. So now I’m hugely pregnant, have dark spots all over my face, and have poofy short hair. (it’s probs not as bad as I think…but I’m pregnant, emotional, and really regretting cutting so much off!)
uhhhhh okay.
Let’s be done with all of that.
Because even though I do feel these things, I also feel so extremely happy and blessed.
I have a loving, supportive, hard-working husband who is just really the best.
I have a “big-guy” Ames who out of the blue tells me he loves me and wants nothing more than to just hang with me all day.
I have a healthy and strong body which is capable of so much.
I have a beautiful baby girl that is about to join our family who I know will bless my life more than I can bless hers.
I have awesome family and friends who I know are there for me and love me.
And I have a Savior and Heavenly Father who know exactly how I feel, love me so much, and are just waiting to help me in anyway that they can.  
So really, I know that I am so, SO, extremely blessed.  Like, blessed beyond measure.  
Sometimes you just  gotta get out all the bad in order to remember all the good.
So thanks, blog readers, for letting me lay out the bad to remember the good.
Here’s some pictures of all the ‘good’ lately:
finally being warm enough to use our backyard again!

having a the best BFF since high school that is due only 1 week apart from me

This sexay man doing work and being a great coach! which allows him to take me to fancy banquets.

dressing up and feeling good every once in a while while pregnant (38.5 weeks)

going on a real fun trip to Oregon!

Watching Nate and Parker do real well in their trail 10k while we were in Oregon.

having this kid all potty trained and seeing more of those cute cheeks than I ever have.

these boys and this baby girl  (34 weeks)

Going on dates with my “big guy” Ames while dad is away at track meets (our typical date is to go to Costco and get pizza and purple ice cream (berry smoothie))

family snuggles.

snot bubbles and a 2 year old that freaks out about them that have you rolling with laughter

this guy and his art skills. (he had to do a picture in each color and hang them each on the fridge) side note: our tiny fridge…that’s a post for another time.

 this guy’s love for the trails. he gets us out there every week.

because he won’t ever ride his bike without his helmet…..

getting our yard into shape…we have a lot to do but I’m so excited for it all. I actually really like yard work. side note: our house was vacant for almost a year…they never watered the grass…it needs a LOT of help :/

this guy. runny nose and all.

THESE guys. my heart.